Pink House Blues
by ytteb
Summary: Tony's struggling. Conversations with Gibbs take place. Milsom Bay one shot.


_AN: spoilers for Season 4 episode 'Grace Period'._

 _I seem to be writing lots of Gibbs/Tony conversations at the moment. Not much plot here, I'm afraid._ _A Milsom Bay story but, as always, I think it will still make sense even if you haven't read the others._

* * *

Tony DiNozzo rubbed the palm of his hand against the grimy window and then peered through the clean spot to look at the ocean waves lapping gently on to the beach. He sighed and rubbed his hands together to remove the dust and then turned to look at his surroundings.

The Caldwell Mansion, known locally as the 'Pink House' was a few miles down the coast from Tony's beachside cabin in Milsom Bay, North Carolina. It had been built in the 1930s as a seaside retreat for Denver Caldwell, a wealthy eccentric who had made a fortune in the motor industry. It was important to take note of the word _eccentric_ which was always attached to Caldwell. The house had a gothic exterior and one could imagine that Dracula would have been happy to live there had he happened to be looking for a home in North Carolina. The Count would, however, probably not have approved of the mansion being painted bright pink.

In the 1930s and 40s Caldwell had entertained scores of movie actors and actresses at weekend parties in his new house but his family had never shared his fondness for his bolthole and, after his death, it had largely been abandoned. Tony had been drawn to the house by the stories of the movie stars who had visited and been captivated by its melancholy air of decay. His friend, John Sutherland, held the key to the house as a favour to the local realtor who was trying, so far unsuccessfully, to sell the property.

Sutherland would lend the key to Tony. "Hey, if you can't trust a federal agent, who can you trust?" he joked the first time. Tony had smiled appreciatively and refrained from pointing out that evidence showed that not all federal agents were trustworthy.

The inside of the Pink House provided a surprise for Tony as it proved to be a gem of Art Deco design. Its clean lines and elegant proportions were in stark contrast to the turrets and gables of the exterior and appealed to Tony's sense of the aesthetic. He would wander the rooms and imagine legends of the silver screen gathering for cocktails or dancing to jazz on the gramophone and come away feeling nostalgic for an age he had never experienced but which he sensed might have been perfect for him.

Now, as he looked at his indistinct reflection in the dirty mirror over the fireplace, he saw Gibbs also reflected there. He sighed as he saw that Gibbs had arrived wearing his customary impatient scowl. Why couldn't he have come with the gentler expression or rueful grin that Tony had sometimes experienced?

"What you doing here, DiNozzo?" asked Gibbs.

"Just thinking," said Tony, putting his hands on the mantel shelf.

"There's work to do, DiNozzo," said Gibbs in the brisk tone which usually corralled his team back to attention.

"I'm on vacation," said Tony mildly, "you signed off the request."

"We got a case, there's no time for _vacations_. We're at war."

"Isn't there anyone else who …" began Tony.

"What? To do our work for us? While you moon around here? We've got jobs to do; move it!"

Tony lowered his head in defeat and when he raised it again, Gibbs had gone. He waited a few moments and then turned towards the door but stopped when he saw Ducky sitting on a sheet covered chair. Tony winced as he saw a rare stern expression on the M.E.'s face.

"What are you doing here, Anthony?" he asked sadly.

"Oh, you know …" replied Tony.

"No, I don't know," came the firm reply, "what I _do_ know is that crime doesn't stop just because you decide you want some time off."

"Crooks don't take vacations?" asked Tony with an attempt at humour.

"It's not a laughing matter, Anthony! You have responsibilities. Life is serious, you know. Jokes are most inappropriate."

"Sorry, Ducky," said Tony.

"I must say that I am most disappointed by this behaviour, Anthony. I had thought better of you," and he fixed a sad gaze on Tony and shook his head.

Tony closed his eyes in pain and when he opened them, Ducky had gone. He stood motionless for a few seconds and then wandered into another room which opened out on to a veranda. Feeling a sudden need for fresh air, he fumbled at the glass doors and finally managed to get them open. A cooling sea breeze met him and he began to feel calmer. Tony took a deep breath and went to sit on the edge of the veranda with his legs dangling over. He made a conscious effort to focus on the waves splashing on to the sand, letting the rhythm soothe him.

It wasn't long before he heard the sound of shifting sand and looked up to see Gibbs striding towards him.

"Hey," said Gibbs when he saw that he had been spotted.

"Hey," answered Tony a bit warily.

"Mind if I sit down?" asked Gibbs, "it's quite a walk from your cabin."

"Sure," said Tony, shifting position a little so Gibbs could sit next to him.

"Nice spot," said Gibbs approvingly as he cast an appraising eye over the beach.

"Yep," said Tony.

A few minutes of silence followed before Tony stole a look at Gibbs' profile. He looked relaxed and content, wearing the same expression Tony had seen when he was planing a piece of wood to silky smoothness. Looking at him now, Tony mused that nobody would believe that his Boss could be an impatient, irritable bastard. This version of Gibbs looked the picture of calm strength.

"I'm sorry," said Tony at last.

"Never say you're sorry," said Gibbs turning to look at him with a half-smile, "especially when you've got nothing to be sorry about."

"I should be at work," said Tony.

Gibbs shrugged as if this was unimportant, "you're doing what you need to," he said simply.

Silence fell once more until, uncharacteristically, Gibbs broke it.

"Gonna give me a guided tour?" he asked.

"Sure," said Tony, "watch out for ghosts!"

Gibbs just smiled and followed Tony into the house. Tony huffed a laugh when he saw Gibbs' expression.

"Not what you expect from the outside, is it?" he said.

Gibbs gazed round appreciatively, admiring the high ceilings and the beautiful proportions. He used his foot to move some of the dust on the floor and then stooped to get a better look.

"That's a real floor," he said as he rubbed a hand gently over the wood, "good craftsman made that. Took pride in what he did."

"I thought it was going to be dark and cluttered inside," said Tony, "couldn't believe all this elegance was inside. I mean, I like the outside, it's fun and quirky but inside is wonderful."

"I've learned not to judge from the outside," said Gibbs directing a level look at his agent, "what's underneath is what's important. Doesn't do to get distracted from reality."

Tony met Gibbs' gaze and nodded. Somehow he felt that Gibbs had just delivered one of his oblique compliments.

"Lots of rooms," said Tony, "empty now. Just waiting to be lived in."

"Lots of potential," offered Gibbs with another of those looks, "I hate waste."

"Did I ever tell you I had depression?" said Tony suddenly.

Gibbs shook his head and then gestured to the veranda in a silent invitation to sit out there again. Tony nodded in agreement and they resumed their former positions.

"Senior year at Ohio," said Tony as he clenched his fists and looked out to sea.

Gibbs simply nodded.

"Blew my knee out. Knew I wouldn't be playing pro ball after that."

A sigh was all the reply he got.

"And before that there was Jason and the fire. Shook me up. Nothing seemed certain after that."

Another nod.

"I mean, it's not like my life had been exactly stable before... Well, you've met Senior."

A wry grin and another nod.

"But somehow College sorted me out. I know you hate me talking about Ohio but it was the first place I'd found that I really fit. Where I wanted to fit."

Gibbs turned his head and looked at Tony but didn't say anything.

"So, there I was. All mapped out. Basketball or football career. And then Jason and his sister. Got over that and then my knee went."

Gibbs resumed looking out over the ocean.

"And there I was. Happy go lucky Tony DiNozzo. Always ready for a joke or a prank and I couldn't summon the energy to get out of bed. The world closed in on me and it was all dark and hopeless."

Gibbs nodded.

"I got over it," said Tony, "well, obviously I did. But it took months."

"And then you went to the Police Academy?" asked Gibbs.

"Yeah. Doctors put in a good word for me, said that the depression – the _mental illness_ – was likely triggered by inactivity following the accident. That it was unlikely to recur."

"Hmmm," murmured Gibbs.

"And they knew about Jason and the fire. One of my professors mentioned it in the reference. I think that's what swayed them. It was the only thing I'd ever done that was unselfish. Otherwise I was just a spoiled rich kid."

"Without any money," pointed out Gibbs.

"True. But I didn't advertise that."

"And you fit in? At the Academy?"

"Yeah. And part of me is still shocked. I mean discipline, commitment … all that stuff. It's not really me, is it?"

Gibbs gave one of his eloquent shrugs, "like this house. Not what's advertised on the outside."

Tony smiled gratefully.

"Was he right?" asked Gibbs.

"Who?"

"The doctor. The one who said the depression wouldn't come back."

Tony took a moment before replying, "Yeah. He was right."

"But?"

"How'd you know there was a but?"

Gibbs just raised an eyebrow and Tony continued, "of course you knew. What was I thinking? No, it hasn't come back but I'm always worried that it will. You know, we don't exactly have stress free jobs. Who knows? I don't want to go through that again. It was one of the loneliest times of my life."

"Not alone now," said Gibbs.

"You know, you're a lot nicer than you were before," observed Tony.

"What?" asked Gibbs in surprise.

Tony looked embarrassed, "one of the techniques my therapist suggested was to imagine I was talking to someone important to me. Get it out in the open, listen to their wise words. I tried it earlier."

"And what happened?"

"I managed to summon my Boss in Captain Ahab mode," said Tony, "and he didn't exactly let me get a word in edgeways. Just told me to get off my butt and get my ass in gear."

Gibbs turned to stare once more at the ocean but Tony caught a glimpse of a smile before his face turned away.

"Not that it would be unreasonable to tell me to hightail back to DC," said Tony hastily.

"We got time," said Gibbs, "besides, didn't I sign a leave request?"

"Anyway, Captain Ahab stormed off so I tried with Ducky instead."

"How'd that work?" asked Gibbs.

"Not well," admitted Tony, "he was sort of sad and disappointed. Made me feel that I'd kicked a puppy. Just as well you turned up, Boss, who knows what fake McGee would have said?"

"You're welcome," said Gibbs.

"Um, what _are_ you doing here, Boss?"

"Sutherland said he'd lent you the key. Guessed you'd be here."

"But what are you doing _here_ , in Milsom Bay? It's a long way from DC."

"My gut," said Gibbs simply.

"Oh," said Tony thinking that was probably explanation enough.

"That and the calendar," added Gibbs.

"Oh," said Tony again.

"Paula Cassidy," said Gibbs, "anniversary is tomorrow."

"Yeah. And my mom the day after."

"I didn't know that," said Gibbs.

"Not a good month for me," said Tony, "You know how some people have all the family and friends birthdays at once? Well, I have all the death-days."

"Hmmm."

"it felt worse this year. Don't know why, it just did. So I decided to 'take precautions' and come away somewhere peaceful, safe."

"It's good to have somewhere like that," agreed Gibbs.

"Have you got somewhere, Boss? Somewhere you can go?"

"My basement," said Gibbs, "or work."

"Work isn't exactly safe," pointed out Tony.

"No," agreed Gibbs, "but it's where my family is."

Tony smiled at that.

"You know, when Paula died. Well, actually when her team was killed, I was really shaken."

"We all were," said Gibbs.

"I mean, I know we've all come close to dying but somehow that seemed the closest. If you hadn't been sweet on Hollis Mann …"

Gibbs raised that eyebrow again.

"I mean, if you hadn't been, well … you know. We would have been on duty that day and it would have been us walking into that room."

"Like you said, we've been close before," said Gibbs.

"I know. But if it had been us that day, we wouldn't have been able to do anything. The other times we've been able to _do_ something but that would have been out of our control. I sometimes wonder if …"

"What?"

"That was the first time I really told Jeanne I loved her," said Tony, "I sometimes wonder if it was because I'd just watched Paula die. Might have been a lot less complicated if I hadn't told Jeanne I loved her."

"But you did," said Gibbs, "love her, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did. But up till then I'd been able to keep up the act. If I'd carried on, she would have broken up with me. How much heartache would that have prevented?"

"What ifs," said Gibbs, "they'll drive you mad."

"That's not very tactful, Gibbs. After I've confessed about the depression."

Gibbs ignored this, "I'm not saying you shouldn't turn and face things, DiNozzo, but sometimes after you've done that you just have to let them be. And try not to make the same mistake twice."

"You think telling Jeanne I loved her was a mistake?"

"Not what I meant," said Gibbs, "you did love her. I reckon if it hadn't been that night, you'd have told her in the end. In any case, it was obvious that you were in love. She knew."

"Guess so," said Tony.

"Face things, learn from them and go on," said Gibbs.

"Another rule?"

"The rules change," said Gibbs with a shrug, "they grow, as we grow."

"Thanks, Boss."

"So, you thinking about buying this place?"

"What?"

"You seem to like it," observed Gibbs.

"It's got ten bedrooms, five receptions and a cellar," said Tony with a touch of hysteria, "what would I do with it?"

"Turn it into a hotel. Some sort of retreat place," suggested Gibbs.

"Hmmm," said Tony dreamily, "with a Hollywood theme. It's got possibilities." He looked at Gibbs, "but it'd be a bit tough fitting running a hotel in with my day job."

Gibbs laughed.

"Especially when my Boss is in Captain Ahab mode rather than cuddly teddy bear mode."

"Cuddly teddy bear?" asked Gibbs incredulously.

Tony backtracked hastily, "I meant, insightful and caring."

"That's better," said Gibbs.

"Retreat to advance," said Tony.

"What?"

"I come here, to the shack, to regroup, think, let things wash away. But I do it so I can go back to my job, Gibbs. Retreat to advance. One of _my_ rules."

Gibbs stood up, wincing as his knees protested. He gripped Tony by the shoulder and looked him in the eye,

"You'll do," he said, "you always have. And you always will."

Tony nodded.

"Retreat over, time to advance. Let's go."


End file.
